Traveling can be stressful, but it actually doesn’t have to be. If you book your flights and accommodation early, and your suitcase is packed up hours before you need to leave for the airport, you should be smooth sailing.
But after one woman reminded her husband for months to buy plane tickets for their upcoming trip, she was disappointed to find out that he spent that entire time procrastinating. Now, she’s wondering if she was wrong to go on vacation all by herself. Below, you’ll find the full story she recently shared on Reddit, as well as a conversation with couples therapist Dr. Kathy McMahon.
This woman reminded her husband for months to buy plane tickets for their upcoming vacation
Image credits: Torsten Dettlaff (not the actual photo)
But as the date approached and he still hadn’t purchased them, she decided she wasn’t going to miss out on the trip
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Strong-Farm-7377
“Saying what he won’t do rather than what he will do, is a classic passive-aggressive move”
We reached out to Dr. Kathy McMahon, psychologist and president of Couples Therapy Inc., and she was kind enough to weigh in on whether or not it was fair for the woman to decide to go on this trip alone. “If this were an isolated incident, his wife may have been overreacting. However, this seems unlikely. Her husband’s behavior is what we call ‘passive-aggressive,’ and her response fell short of perfect, but not by much,” Dr. McMahon told Bored Panda.
The expert explained that in these types of dynamics, there is a hidden, unexpressed assumption on the part of the passive-aggressive spouse that isn’t shared with his wife. For example, the husband may only want to go on vacation, as long as it doesn’t cost too much, or he may not want to go at all, but he didn’t share that with his wife to avoid fighting.
“The wife may have taken on all of the planning because she has been the victim of such behavior before,” Dr. McMahon explained. “Perhaps she wanted him to complete only one task to show his interest and investment in the vacation.”
She noted that when passive aggressive partners conceal information to avoid a fight, what they’re really doing is simply delaying it. “When he finally did reveal his hidden agenda, he still avoided being specific. He told her, ‘I don’t want to spend THAT MUCH,’ but she was still left in the dark about exactly what he was willing to spend. Saying what he won’t do rather than what he will do, is a classic passive-aggressive move. Refusing to cooperate and changing the entire plan at the very last minute is also classic,” Dr. McMahon says.
As far as why the wife’s response fell short of perfect, the psychologist explained that her advice to spouses of passive-aggressive partners is to “realize that there is often a hidden agenda but to assume that, because your spouse is an adult, you can take them at their word. However, be clear about what issues are on your side of the street and what issues are theirs.”
“Be clear about what you want and what you will do if your spouse fails to hold up his/her end of the bargain”
Dr. McMahon recommends spouses make their desires clear and outline the consequences if their partner reneges on what he’s agreed to do. For example, the wife could have told her husband up front, “If you haven’t bought the tickets before (this date) I will buy them, regardless of the cost. Did you want to go still if the tickets are high or stay home to save that money?”
“He knows the consequences if he fails to follow through,” the expert explained. “You know the actions you must take as well. No fuss. No drama. No anger. If he was acting out in a passive-aggressive manner, he is the only one who ‘suffers,’ and he did it to himself.”
“Without such a prior agreement, you fall into an endless battle about something you actually have no interest in fighting about. And he can dig in his heels because he ‘told you’ that the tickets were ‘too high,’” Dr. McMahon added. “The final passive-aggressive hostile act was to suggest a nice ‘staycation,’ which you might have suspected was his plan all along. You are left with all of the anger, and he is left as the ‘nice guy’ who simply couldn’t ‘afford’ the vacation YOU planned.”
The couples therapist explained that what the wife did by going alone, without the prior agreement, was to feed into her partner’s story that he is the victim, rather than her. But if the woman really wants to spend time alone right now, Dr. McMahon recommends turning off her phone and having a lovely time anyway.
She suggests to anyone who has had a similar experience to “be clear about what you want and what you will do if your spouse fails to hold up his/her end of the bargain. Then carry that action out, not as a threat, but as an agreed-upon consequence. Believe me, your passive-aggressive spouse will not frame it as an ‘agreed-upon’ consequence, but if you are crystal clear (maybe even write it down and post it), you can carry out the action without anger or bitterness.”
Dr. McMahon shared that passive aggression is both an act and a personality disorder. “It is also self-reinforcing because the internal belief is ‘I never get what I want. If I try to get what I want, I’ll be met with hostility. I am trying to avoid conflict, but my partner always picks fights with me. I am a nice guy/gal, and they are not,’” she explained. “They have hidden motives that they will try hard not to reveal. They expect you to read their minds. They project their anger onto you and leave you with the ‘hostile hot potato.’”
“When this is a chronic marital dynamic, the couple is often stuck in this destructive cycle that gets acted out long-term”
Instead of fighting about the man’s hidden motive at the start, he left the battle to the very end and fought about a red herring (the cost of the flight), Dr. McMahon says. “Everyone loses in this dynamic.” It can actually be healthy for spouses to take solo trips away from one another every now and then, but these are not the ideal circumstances.
As far as where passive aggression comes from, it might be because a person is uncertain about what they want. “However, when this is a chronic marital dynamic, the couple is often stuck in this destructive cycle that gets acted out long-term,” Dr. McMahon told Bored Panda. “Decade after painful decade, the invested spouse tries to be kind enough, thoughtful enough, active enough, even hostile enough to get the passive-aggressive spouse to say what they want and what they’ll do. However, they end up feeling like a mean bully.”
She says that the woman in this situation tried to “dish out logical consequences,” but was instead left wondering if she was in the wrong because her partner was all too willing to join her in blaming herself. “He had one job and never put conditions on that one job in March. He chose to keep that to himself until the very last minute. Then, to further enrage his wife, sounded ‘so reasonable’ by suggesting that she cancel all of her plans and just stay home. That might have been his plan all along. We will never know because he will never tell her,” Dr. McMahon noted.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this woman was right to go on the trip by herself? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article featuring vacation drama, look no further than right here.
Many readers assured the woman that she didn’t do anything wrong
However, some readers thought that both spouses could have acted more maturely
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